The novel I’m reading now is called “Out.” I ran into one sentence which was quite astonishing to realize that this is the first time I’ve seen it written somewhere not on my mind. Satake thought that “usually hatred was an emotion arising out of the desire to be accepted by another person.”
I’m 21, and this is the first time that something else share that same feeling I have been having for a long time. Why am I like this? Why can’t I be happy like other person. I don’t care if someone says that everyone has his/her own grief. You think you are striving through some adversities. Other people are having that kind of feeling too. How can you know? Saying something like that doesn’t help. It just won’t help. It doesn’t solve any problem that I’m having now.
What is my problem? It’s the hatred exactly described in the sentence appeared above. In my case it might be the problem of being accepted by people and that comprises of more than one, obviously. Then what can I do?
The question that I’ve been asking myself is that whether I chose the right path. Well, we have only one life. Here’s where I want to have more than one life. One for trying and one to really live through. We can’t do that. Life is just merciless. The only thing I can do is to live and live… with whatever you have that prevent you from committing suicide. Yes, the end of life maybe good, but it’s not acceptable as a keen human being. Now the word “ accept” appears again. Do we have to care that much about how other people are thinking of me? Today I saw something that didn’t surprise me at all. But I was thrilled, because the person who said it was someone unexpected.
No word at all for more than 10 seconds. I just to disappear from this world. I just can’t take it. Why? I don’t know why. Well, maybe I know but I just don’t want to accept it. The only reason is I wasn’t accepted by them. That’s why I have hatred. It’s everywhere in every part of my mind. What can I do?
I can’t do anything but to wait. The only remedy that I have is music. That’s why I didn’t talk and didn’t say anything. I just sit and played a guitar. Jealousy maybe another thing that I’m having. I want to escape. I don’t want to live through all these stuffs anymore. No one can help me and I can’t let anyone knows this. It’s a shameless life. I’m a loser. Yes, I know that. I’m a loser. Whatever you want to call me.
Life is tough. I know that. It’s cruel to know that I don’t have any will to fight anymore. Let it be.
